Het Grote Moppen Topic
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Cpt. Relax
New member
De Belgenmoppen zijn in tegenwoordig...
Wat hebben jullie toch tegen jullie uiterst sympatieke zuiderburen! :grijns:
Wat hebben jullie toch tegen jullie uiterst sympatieke zuiderburen! :grijns:
metrodriver
New member
Niets, ik heb alleen een probleem met onze franstalige zuiderburen.
Het hotel in Brussel bijvoorbeeld: midden tussen alle EU gebouwen, hoofdstad van een land met twee officiele talen. Elke medewerker spreekt Frans en een andere taal, slechts twee spreken (gebrekkig) Nederlands. It's a shame. Ga liever naar Oostende, spreekt iedere belg minstens 3 talen.
Het hotel in Brussel bijvoorbeeld: midden tussen alle EU gebouwen, hoofdstad van een land met twee officiele talen. Elke medewerker spreekt Frans en een andere taal, slechts twee spreken (gebrekkig) Nederlands. It's a shame. Ga liever naar Oostende, spreekt iedere belg minstens 3 talen.
6
676$
Guest
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where American women go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
capt. Kebab
New member
Hoofdstuk 2:
Instruction and Humor
The path to obtain your license is filled with obstacles , potholes and ....humor.
Week 1
Monday: Rain.
Tuesday: Rain.
Wednesday: No rain, no visibility either.
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don’t know enough to take instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and secondary stall during same maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to scrape frost of Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle that big knob thing. Also hates it when I call instruments gadgets.
Wednesday: Radio’s won’t pick up rock stations so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degrees bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said it was some kind of record. My first compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn again. Instructor said I wasn’t ready for inverted flight yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her babe. Did steep turns. She said I needed special permission for inverted flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him babe too. He got mad when I pulled the power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first twenty hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there was a slight bend in mine. Aha-progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did a good job. Also did turns around a point. Flight instructor warned me to never pick ex-fiancé’s house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work Instructor said that if downwind base and final form a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise.
Week 4
Monday: First Landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we’ll have groundschool all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did take-off stalls. He said I did just fine. But next time wait until we have altitude. Three Niner Juliet will be out the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I’m sure my instructor is going gray.
Thursday Left flaps down the entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked the instructor when I could solo. I have never actually seen anyone laugh until they cried before.
While reading a magazine article about Human Factors that related to the decision on whether the pilot is fit to fly, the pilot reading the article read the following aloud so everybody in the FBO could hear it;”If you don’t look well, you shouldn’t be flying!”
“Well”, said a local flight instructor while looking around, ”that will ground most of us, won’t it?”
Cessna 4321: Jones Tower, this is Cessna 4321, student pilot, I’m out of fuel.
Tower: Roger Cessna 4321, reduce airspeed to best glide speed. Do you have the airfield in sight??!!??
Cessna 4321: Uh....... Tower, I’m on the south ramp and I just want to know where the fuel truck is.
An obvious student in a Cessna 152:”Jeffco tower, this is Cessna 123W on final for ah runway 11".
Jeffco Tower: ”Cessna 123W, you’re not on final. Final is where you don’t have to make turns any more to get to the runway!”
Tower: Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on the runway!
Student pilot: Roger (and continues his descent)
Tower: Aircraft, go around!
Student pilot: Roger (and still continues his descent)
Tower: (Screaming)Aircraft on short final, go around!!
Student pilot: Roger (continues)
So the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to the twin sitting on the runway, goes around it and continues down the taxiway.
While enroute to the first controlled airport the instructor explains that the ATC communication can be brought back to basic questions. “Just ask yourself a few basic questions everytime and you and the controller will both know what you are talking about. First ask who you are, then where you are and then what your intentions are.” “The answers will provide the basics for your communication.”
With the airport coming closer, the nervous student grabs the microphone and makes his initial call:”Muncie Tower, who am I, where am I and what am I going to do?”
Muncie tower replied:”You’ve got us, give us another hint please.”
This flight instructor got bored on the cross country flight back to the departure airport and decided to surprise the student by pulling his throttle all the way back and saying: ”Well, I simulated an engine failure, what are you going to do?”
Without much hesitation he pushed the throttle back in and continued the flight. “Why did you do that ?” asked the flight instructor. “I simulated fixing it” ,replied the student.
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asks:”How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day.”
The student replies,:”It’s easy, I continue the approach untill you stiffen up, then I just pull back.”
Lost student pilot: “Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.”
What did the instructor at the pilot school for Kamikazes say to his student?
Watch closely, I’m only going to do this once!
Landing :a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. (Sounds familiar?)
Instruction and Humor
The path to obtain your license is filled with obstacles , potholes and ....humor.
Week 1
Monday: Rain.
Tuesday: Rain.
Wednesday: No rain, no visibility either.
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don’t know enough to take instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and secondary stall during same maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to scrape frost of Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle that big knob thing. Also hates it when I call instruments gadgets.
Wednesday: Radio’s won’t pick up rock stations so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degrees bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said it was some kind of record. My first compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn again. Instructor said I wasn’t ready for inverted flight yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her babe. Did steep turns. She said I needed special permission for inverted flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him babe too. He got mad when I pulled the power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first twenty hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there was a slight bend in mine. Aha-progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did a good job. Also did turns around a point. Flight instructor warned me to never pick ex-fiancé’s house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work Instructor said that if downwind base and final form a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise.
Week 4
Monday: First Landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we’ll have groundschool all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did take-off stalls. He said I did just fine. But next time wait until we have altitude. Three Niner Juliet will be out the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I’m sure my instructor is going gray.
Thursday Left flaps down the entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked the instructor when I could solo. I have never actually seen anyone laugh until they cried before.
While reading a magazine article about Human Factors that related to the decision on whether the pilot is fit to fly, the pilot reading the article read the following aloud so everybody in the FBO could hear it;”If you don’t look well, you shouldn’t be flying!”
“Well”, said a local flight instructor while looking around, ”that will ground most of us, won’t it?”
Cessna 4321: Jones Tower, this is Cessna 4321, student pilot, I’m out of fuel.
Tower: Roger Cessna 4321, reduce airspeed to best glide speed. Do you have the airfield in sight??!!??
Cessna 4321: Uh....... Tower, I’m on the south ramp and I just want to know where the fuel truck is.
An obvious student in a Cessna 152:”Jeffco tower, this is Cessna 123W on final for ah runway 11".
Jeffco Tower: ”Cessna 123W, you’re not on final. Final is where you don’t have to make turns any more to get to the runway!”
Tower: Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on the runway!
Student pilot: Roger (and continues his descent)
Tower: Aircraft, go around!
Student pilot: Roger (and still continues his descent)
Tower: (Screaming)Aircraft on short final, go around!!
Student pilot: Roger (continues)
So the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to the twin sitting on the runway, goes around it and continues down the taxiway.
While enroute to the first controlled airport the instructor explains that the ATC communication can be brought back to basic questions. “Just ask yourself a few basic questions everytime and you and the controller will both know what you are talking about. First ask who you are, then where you are and then what your intentions are.” “The answers will provide the basics for your communication.”
With the airport coming closer, the nervous student grabs the microphone and makes his initial call:”Muncie Tower, who am I, where am I and what am I going to do?”
Muncie tower replied:”You’ve got us, give us another hint please.”
This flight instructor got bored on the cross country flight back to the departure airport and decided to surprise the student by pulling his throttle all the way back and saying: ”Well, I simulated an engine failure, what are you going to do?”
Without much hesitation he pushed the throttle back in and continued the flight. “Why did you do that ?” asked the flight instructor. “I simulated fixing it” ,replied the student.
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asks:”How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day.”
The student replies,:”It’s easy, I continue the approach untill you stiffen up, then I just pull back.”
Lost student pilot: “Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.”
What did the instructor at the pilot school for Kamikazes say to his student?
Watch closely, I’m only going to do this once!
Landing :a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. (Sounds familiar?)
Raphael_Lito
Member
Vanmorgen op www.telegraaf.nl...
Geen mop,
maar wel erg grappig...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O23kyUv4x1I[/youtube]
Geen mop,
maar wel erg grappig...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O23kyUv4x1I[/youtube]
6
676$
Guest
capt. Kebab
New member
Nog meer nieuw leven:
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
capt. Kebab
New member
The FAA and Humor.
To many people that’s a joke by itself. But when you read the following you’ll see the FAA is quite amusing.
This pilot was flying in to Washington State and one by one all of his radios and instrument fail. In act of desperation, he spirals down through the clouds and when he breaks out, he is next to a very big office building. He circles the building several times and finally he gets the attention of someone on the 7th floor. The pilot holds up a sign saying "Where am I ?"
The person in the building holds up a sign saying "In an airplane !". The pilot makes a 90 degrees turn and flies about 5 minutes and makes a perfect blind landing. The passengers are amazed and asked the pilot how he did it. "Easy" he said. "The person in the building gave me an accurate but perfectly useless answer. I realized that he must work for FAA Headquarters and I knew that the airport is exactly 10 miles from their building on a 45 degree heading".
Do you know why Washington has the most FAA inspectors in the country and New Jersey has the most number of toxic waste sites ?
They let New Jersey pick first.
How do you stop a Fed from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
A Fed and OJ Simpson jump off the Empire State Building. Who will hit the ground first?
Who Cares?
How many FAA inspectors will it take to screw out a lightbulb?
I'd be surprised if it was more than one. It usually takes one to screw us out of everything!
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well traveled road. The bill of fare was:
Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued FAA inspector $110
A customer, noticing the great price difference, asked why Feds cost so much. The headhunter replied, "if you head ever tried to clean one of those devils , you would understand".
What's the difference between God and a FAA inspector?
God doesn't think he is a FAA inspector.
Brandon’s teacher asked the class what their parents do for a living. My father is a doctor", said little Jamie. "Very good", said mrs. Smith. "Billy?" "My dad is a plumber". "That's nice" said mrs. Smith. "And Brandon what about you?" "Well, my mommy works in a house of ill repute"
After school Mrs. Smith called Brandon’s mom. "Did you know" she said, "that when I asked all the kids what their parents did for a living, Brandon told me that you worked in a house of ill repute?" "Well yes," she replied, "I told him that. You see I am an FAA inspector, and I couldn't tell him that!"
Federal Aviation Agency
Washington DC.
Gentlemen,
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot’s license and told me I wouldn’t need it anymore. I guess that means that you’re giving me my full fledged pilot’s license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all that happened he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking.
Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather has been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed, but on the day in questions I was not about to let the low ceilings and visibility and the slight freezing drizzle deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an aircraft. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment and I had invited my neighbor to go along with me since I planned to go to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoal grilled steaks and the greatest martini’s.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martini’s that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier. When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my groundschool meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly.
I think he called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn’t have a tailwheel, but that didn’t say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and began looking for an ignition switch. Now I don’t want to get anyone in trouble but it shouldn’t be necessary to get the airplane manual out just to find out how the engine starts. That’s ridiculous. I never saw so many gages and dials and needles and knobs. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I filed a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they told me to fly Victor 435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot of credit. They also told me a lot of other stuff too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The takeoff was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book said it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Departure Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew were I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I turned of the radio. You’d think these professionals should know better.
Anyway, I climbed up into a few clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but highway 435 was right under me, and since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots make the best of it, don’t we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, expect for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn’t much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur, I was told. I don’t expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on it’s chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he kept staring ahead with a sort of glassy look in his eyes and I figured he was afraid of heights like all non-pilots are.
By the way, there is something wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding the whole time. Finally I decided we had flown about long enough to be where I wanted us to be, since I had worked the problem out onto the computer. I am a whiz at the computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn’t anything there but mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong too. It was real marginal conditions with ceilings of about one hundred feet. You can’t trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional lightning bolts. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn’t want to wake him up.
Any way, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn’t worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safe factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.
As Pilot In Command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have gone down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it had not been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also it was hard to read the road signs through the ice on the wind screen. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving. To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome.
Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn’t believe the language that I heard. Those people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some stupid son of a @$#%&! up in that fog.
I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case the other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out, waving at us. It was pretty evident they never saw a Piper Aztec before
One fellow, some general with a really nasty temper, was really mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn’t think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was red so I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that’s about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather got really bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can’t make a statement yet because he’s still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send me my license airmail, special delivery.
Very truly yours,
A. Pilot.
Excerpt from a recent FAA Accident report.
EYEWITNESS STATEMENT
AIRCRAFT: Cessna 172
PILOT: 30 years old, Comm, CFI, IR
FATALITIES: None
DAMAGE: Substantial
DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10, 1992
Witness: Line Attendant at airport.
Pilot came to the airport at 9 AM July 10th 1992. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a number 10 ball-peen hammer. Also had to inflate all three tires and scrap pigeon droppings off the windscreen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers the pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn’t get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay the last time he looked.
Engine starts okay, ran for half a minute. Then died. Then battery wouldn’t turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away. Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn’t far. Taxied about half the taxiway when engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pump and bought about three gallons for the left wing tank. This time it was almost to the taxiway when the engine quit again. Put a little rock under the nosewheel, handpropped it and was seen trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it, blew out the left tire trying to stop before the cement plant.
When he taxied back to get the tire changed he also had the line boy hit the right wing tank with three gallons of fuel. Witness who saw the take-off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Take-off looked fairly normal, nose came up about three hundred feet down the runway. At midfield the nose came down. Engine coughed twice, then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages. Looked like some kind of snowstorm.
After several real loud runups at the end of the runway he turned her around and took of in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes, to about three hundred feet, then the engine quit! Did a sort of slow turn back to the airport and about thirty feet off the Mc Donald’s cafe she started to roar again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway, put the flaps to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!
The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the FBO; but he pulled her up, went right through the TV antennas and the little rooster on top of the NES & W thing, over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of three different cars in the lot, a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown’s new El Dorado.
When he bounced off the Eldorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and he set her down, once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied onto the ramp, shut her down and ordered three more gallons of fuel. He said it was for safety’s sake.
Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell him he was going to be little bit late.
To many people that’s a joke by itself. But when you read the following you’ll see the FAA is quite amusing.
This pilot was flying in to Washington State and one by one all of his radios and instrument fail. In act of desperation, he spirals down through the clouds and when he breaks out, he is next to a very big office building. He circles the building several times and finally he gets the attention of someone on the 7th floor. The pilot holds up a sign saying "Where am I ?"
The person in the building holds up a sign saying "In an airplane !". The pilot makes a 90 degrees turn and flies about 5 minutes and makes a perfect blind landing. The passengers are amazed and asked the pilot how he did it. "Easy" he said. "The person in the building gave me an accurate but perfectly useless answer. I realized that he must work for FAA Headquarters and I knew that the airport is exactly 10 miles from their building on a 45 degree heading".
Do you know why Washington has the most FAA inspectors in the country and New Jersey has the most number of toxic waste sites ?
They let New Jersey pick first.
How do you stop a Fed from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
A Fed and OJ Simpson jump off the Empire State Building. Who will hit the ground first?
Who Cares?
How many FAA inspectors will it take to screw out a lightbulb?
I'd be surprised if it was more than one. It usually takes one to screw us out of everything!
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well traveled road. The bill of fare was:
Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued FAA inspector $110
A customer, noticing the great price difference, asked why Feds cost so much. The headhunter replied, "if you head ever tried to clean one of those devils , you would understand".
What's the difference between God and a FAA inspector?
God doesn't think he is a FAA inspector.
Brandon’s teacher asked the class what their parents do for a living. My father is a doctor", said little Jamie. "Very good", said mrs. Smith. "Billy?" "My dad is a plumber". "That's nice" said mrs. Smith. "And Brandon what about you?" "Well, my mommy works in a house of ill repute"
After school Mrs. Smith called Brandon’s mom. "Did you know" she said, "that when I asked all the kids what their parents did for a living, Brandon told me that you worked in a house of ill repute?" "Well yes," she replied, "I told him that. You see I am an FAA inspector, and I couldn't tell him that!"
Federal Aviation Agency
Washington DC.
Gentlemen,
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot’s license and told me I wouldn’t need it anymore. I guess that means that you’re giving me my full fledged pilot’s license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all that happened he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking.
Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather has been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed, but on the day in questions I was not about to let the low ceilings and visibility and the slight freezing drizzle deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an aircraft. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment and I had invited my neighbor to go along with me since I planned to go to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoal grilled steaks and the greatest martini’s.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martini’s that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier. When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my groundschool meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly.
I think he called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn’t have a tailwheel, but that didn’t say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and began looking for an ignition switch. Now I don’t want to get anyone in trouble but it shouldn’t be necessary to get the airplane manual out just to find out how the engine starts. That’s ridiculous. I never saw so many gages and dials and needles and knobs. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I filed a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they told me to fly Victor 435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot of credit. They also told me a lot of other stuff too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The takeoff was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book said it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Departure Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew were I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I turned of the radio. You’d think these professionals should know better.
Anyway, I climbed up into a few clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but highway 435 was right under me, and since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots make the best of it, don’t we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, expect for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn’t much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur, I was told. I don’t expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on it’s chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he kept staring ahead with a sort of glassy look in his eyes and I figured he was afraid of heights like all non-pilots are.
By the way, there is something wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding the whole time. Finally I decided we had flown about long enough to be where I wanted us to be, since I had worked the problem out onto the computer. I am a whiz at the computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn’t anything there but mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong too. It was real marginal conditions with ceilings of about one hundred feet. You can’t trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional lightning bolts. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn’t want to wake him up.
Any way, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn’t worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safe factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.
As Pilot In Command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have gone down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it had not been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also it was hard to read the road signs through the ice on the wind screen. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving. To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome.
Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn’t believe the language that I heard. Those people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some stupid son of a @$#%&! up in that fog.
I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case the other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out, waving at us. It was pretty evident they never saw a Piper Aztec before
One fellow, some general with a really nasty temper, was really mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn’t think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was red so I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that’s about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather got really bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can’t make a statement yet because he’s still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send me my license airmail, special delivery.
Very truly yours,
A. Pilot.
Excerpt from a recent FAA Accident report.
EYEWITNESS STATEMENT
AIRCRAFT: Cessna 172
PILOT: 30 years old, Comm, CFI, IR
FATALITIES: None
DAMAGE: Substantial
DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10, 1992
Witness: Line Attendant at airport.
Pilot came to the airport at 9 AM July 10th 1992. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a number 10 ball-peen hammer. Also had to inflate all three tires and scrap pigeon droppings off the windscreen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers the pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn’t get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay the last time he looked.
Engine starts okay, ran for half a minute. Then died. Then battery wouldn’t turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away. Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn’t far. Taxied about half the taxiway when engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pump and bought about three gallons for the left wing tank. This time it was almost to the taxiway when the engine quit again. Put a little rock under the nosewheel, handpropped it and was seen trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it, blew out the left tire trying to stop before the cement plant.
When he taxied back to get the tire changed he also had the line boy hit the right wing tank with three gallons of fuel. Witness who saw the take-off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Take-off looked fairly normal, nose came up about three hundred feet down the runway. At midfield the nose came down. Engine coughed twice, then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages. Looked like some kind of snowstorm.
After several real loud runups at the end of the runway he turned her around and took of in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes, to about three hundred feet, then the engine quit! Did a sort of slow turn back to the airport and about thirty feet off the Mc Donald’s cafe she started to roar again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway, put the flaps to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!
The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the FBO; but he pulled her up, went right through the TV antennas and the little rooster on top of the NES & W thing, over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of three different cars in the lot, a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown’s new El Dorado.
When he bounced off the Eldorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and he set her down, once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied onto the ramp, shut her down and ordered three more gallons of fuel. He said it was for safety’s sake.
Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell him he was going to be little bit late.
capt. Kebab
New member
ATC and Humor.
It takes a while but occasionally you may hear an ATC transmission worth remembering.
ATC called up a flight one day and asked:” What is your position now?”
Back came the reply: ”I’m a First Officer now, but hope springs eternal!”
And sometime ATC gets the opportunity to fire back. During a busy period, an irate captain called up and said: ”We’ve been waiting twenty minutes to take off. What the hell will happen here in a year or two when traffic doubles?”
“Then you’ll have to wait forty minutes, won’t you?” was the reply from ATC.
Top Twenty of Actual Transmissions made by the O’Hare TRACON.
20. Expect lower at the end of this transmission.
19. Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I quit calling you Twin Cessna.
18. If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor.
17. You’ve got him on TCAS? Great. When you’re seven in trail resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12
16. I’m way too busy for anybody to cancel on me
15. You’ve got any smart remarks, we can do this over South Bend...go ahead!
14. You’re gonna have to key the mike. I can’t see you nod your head.
13. About three mile ahead you’ve got traffic at 12 o’clock five miles.
12. It’s too late for Louisville. We’re going back to O’Hare.
11. Put your compass on E and get out of my airspace.
10. Don’t anybody maintain anything.
9. Caution wake turbulence, you’re following a heavy 12 o’clock. No.... let’s make that five miles.
8. Climb like your life depends on it, because it does.
7. If you want more room captain, push your seat back.
6. For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window.
5. Air Force One, I told you to expedite.
4. Listen up gentlemen, or something’s gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides, you’re pissin’ me off.
3. Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside twenty six nine....see ya!
2. Japan Air Ten Heavy, how ‘bout a radio check? (Response-Rogah, switching)
1. Turn in and take over... you know the rest.
Pilot: ”Start-up approved and over to 121.8 for taxi, oh and sir, there seems to be a loud noise on the back ground.”
Controller: "You’re right sir, that’s my supervisor!"
ATC to light aircraft: ”Please state your intention”
Light aircraft to ATC: ”I’m going to Manchester to see my brother”
One day a C130 came into a busy airport for a landing. The traffic pattern was a bit crowded that day. The following conversation took place:
Controller: N1234, you’re on a eight mile final for 27R, You have a UH1 three miles ahead of you, reduce the speed to 130 knots.
Pilot: Roger Tower, we’re bringing this bird here back to 130 knots.
Controller: (A few moments later) The UH1 at 90 knots, one and a half mile in front of you. Reduce speed to 110 knots.
Pilot: We’re reining this bird here back to 110 knots. The pilot started to feel a little uneasy with the slow speed.
Controller: N1234, you are still gaining on the helicopter traffic. Reduce speed to 90 knots.
Pilot: Sir, do you know what the stall speed of the C130 is?
Controller: No sir, but ask your co-pilot, he may know.
Flying north through the San Fernando Valley and trying to keep track of all the many traffic callouts, a pilot noted that a controller had a similar problem. The controller had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren’t quite what they wanted. Finally the commercial jet pilot asked where he was being sent. There was a brief exchange about intentions followed by an “oops” and 30 seconds of mysterious silence.
The next voice on the frequency said: ”Attention all aircraft, previous controller no longer a factor.”
DFW Tower: UPS 31 Heavy, be advised that traffic landed ahead of you on 18R reported hitting some sort of roadkill.
UPS31: That’s alright, we’ll flatten it out a little bit for ya!
ComAir4210: Hey, this altimeter setting shows us 15' below field elevation!
Nashville Tower: Well then, periscope up and taxi to the gate.
ATC: Flight 123, slow to 300 knots.
After several moments it became apparent that the crew didn’t comply.
ATC: Flight 123, slow down to 280 knots.
ATC: Flight 123, slow down to 250 knots.
Still no reply.
ATC: Flight 123, the number is 250, either slow down to it or turn to it!
A Cherokee 180 was holding short one day waiting for a DC8 to land. The DC8 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick witted comedian in the DC8 crew got on the radio and said: ”What a cute airplane, did you make it yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with the following: ”I made it out of DC8 parts. One more landing like that and I have enough parts for another one.”
Departure: Cessna 4321, proceed on course. By the way, what is your destination?
Cessna 4321: “Er...we’re just flying around aimlessly here”
Departure: (After a slight pause)”Cessna 4321, proceed aimlessly.”
Tower: 4321, are you a Cessna?
Cessna 4321: No, I’m a male Hispanic.
Controller sitting next to me is trying to get Mooney 543Q to change to my frequency, but gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney already switched frequencies accidentally, since he was a local pilot who knew what was coming, asked me to check.
Me: Mooney 543Q, are you on this frequency?
Mooney 543Q: Negative. But I should be any time now.
This happened on a clear night with unlimited visibility. The Cherokee 140 was ready for a flight back to Buttonville and the pilot wanted to fly as high as possible to give his passengers the best possible view.
Pilot: Toronto terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington Skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC: QOZ, cleared to Flight Level 230.
Pilot: Did you say Flight Level 230 for QOZ?
ATC: Just kidding, I can give you 6500 feet.
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground: Cessna 1234, taxi approved, report leaving the airport.
Dead reckoning still has its place. We once had a pilot call in and say:” Help. I’m hopelessly lost over Gravette Arkansas.” We all looked at each other and asked how he can be lost if he knows he was over Gravette Arkansas. The pilot said: Because I’m circling the water tower and it says Gravette Arkansas!”
(The town was too small to be on his maps.)
Another pilot called in ,unsure about his position but he had a town in sight. Since we couldn’t find him on radar, we asked him if he could descend and look for the town’s water tower, see what it said on the side and report back.
Sure enough, after three minutes the pilot reported back. “Approach, I found the water tower” The controller looked pleased and asked what it said, the pilot replied: ”It said Seniors 1978.”
ATC: Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero.
Delta23: Delta 23, roger
(Five minutes from Gainesville Delta 23 is still at FL 350.)
ATC: Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at FL 270?
Delta 23: Uuhh,...Jaix...we’re gonna miss that, my first officer took that clearance
ATC: Do you think you could borrow his notes?
Tower: Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left
Mooney: Uhh.. Tower...,23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna.
Pause
Tower: Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an um inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers.
Tower: Cessna 34R, climb to 4000 feet for noise abatement.
Cessna: How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 feet?”
Tower: At 4000 feet you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 feet, and that’s bound to avoid one hell of a racket.
257, do you have Charlie?
Tower, 257, negative, we left him back in the hangar!
257, do you have Echo?
Tower, 257, negative receiving you loud and clear!
257, do you have Hotel?
Tower, 257, negative we are staying with friends!
257, do you have Juliet?
Tower, 257, negative and please don’t tell anything to my wife!
257 do you have Kilo?
Tower, 257, negative, but we do have a few roaches in the ashtray!
257, do you have Mike?
Tower, 257, negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!
257, do you have Oscar?
Tower, 257, negative, but I’m expecting a nomination this year!
257, do you have Papa?
Tower, 257, negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!
257, do you have Romeo?
Tower, 257, negative, negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
257, do you have Uniform?
Tower, 257, negative just jeans and sweatshirt!
257, do you have Victor?
Tower, 257, negative, who is Victor anyway?
257, do you have X-ray?
Tower, 257, negative my doctor wants a CAT-scan!
257, do you have Whiskey?
Tower, 257, negative, not in the last 8 hour, am I not on an assigned heading?
It takes a while but occasionally you may hear an ATC transmission worth remembering.
ATC called up a flight one day and asked:” What is your position now?”
Back came the reply: ”I’m a First Officer now, but hope springs eternal!”
And sometime ATC gets the opportunity to fire back. During a busy period, an irate captain called up and said: ”We’ve been waiting twenty minutes to take off. What the hell will happen here in a year or two when traffic doubles?”
“Then you’ll have to wait forty minutes, won’t you?” was the reply from ATC.
Top Twenty of Actual Transmissions made by the O’Hare TRACON.
20. Expect lower at the end of this transmission.
19. Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I quit calling you Twin Cessna.
18. If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor.
17. You’ve got him on TCAS? Great. When you’re seven in trail resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12
16. I’m way too busy for anybody to cancel on me
15. You’ve got any smart remarks, we can do this over South Bend...go ahead!
14. You’re gonna have to key the mike. I can’t see you nod your head.
13. About three mile ahead you’ve got traffic at 12 o’clock five miles.
12. It’s too late for Louisville. We’re going back to O’Hare.
11. Put your compass on E and get out of my airspace.
10. Don’t anybody maintain anything.
9. Caution wake turbulence, you’re following a heavy 12 o’clock. No.... let’s make that five miles.
8. Climb like your life depends on it, because it does.
7. If you want more room captain, push your seat back.
6. For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window.
5. Air Force One, I told you to expedite.
4. Listen up gentlemen, or something’s gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides, you’re pissin’ me off.
3. Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside twenty six nine....see ya!
2. Japan Air Ten Heavy, how ‘bout a radio check? (Response-Rogah, switching)
1. Turn in and take over... you know the rest.
Pilot: ”Start-up approved and over to 121.8 for taxi, oh and sir, there seems to be a loud noise on the back ground.”
Controller: "You’re right sir, that’s my supervisor!"
ATC to light aircraft: ”Please state your intention”
Light aircraft to ATC: ”I’m going to Manchester to see my brother”
One day a C130 came into a busy airport for a landing. The traffic pattern was a bit crowded that day. The following conversation took place:
Controller: N1234, you’re on a eight mile final for 27R, You have a UH1 three miles ahead of you, reduce the speed to 130 knots.
Pilot: Roger Tower, we’re bringing this bird here back to 130 knots.
Controller: (A few moments later) The UH1 at 90 knots, one and a half mile in front of you. Reduce speed to 110 knots.
Pilot: We’re reining this bird here back to 110 knots. The pilot started to feel a little uneasy with the slow speed.
Controller: N1234, you are still gaining on the helicopter traffic. Reduce speed to 90 knots.
Pilot: Sir, do you know what the stall speed of the C130 is?
Controller: No sir, but ask your co-pilot, he may know.
Flying north through the San Fernando Valley and trying to keep track of all the many traffic callouts, a pilot noted that a controller had a similar problem. The controller had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren’t quite what they wanted. Finally the commercial jet pilot asked where he was being sent. There was a brief exchange about intentions followed by an “oops” and 30 seconds of mysterious silence.
The next voice on the frequency said: ”Attention all aircraft, previous controller no longer a factor.”
DFW Tower: UPS 31 Heavy, be advised that traffic landed ahead of you on 18R reported hitting some sort of roadkill.
UPS31: That’s alright, we’ll flatten it out a little bit for ya!
ComAir4210: Hey, this altimeter setting shows us 15' below field elevation!
Nashville Tower: Well then, periscope up and taxi to the gate.
ATC: Flight 123, slow to 300 knots.
After several moments it became apparent that the crew didn’t comply.
ATC: Flight 123, slow down to 280 knots.
ATC: Flight 123, slow down to 250 knots.
Still no reply.
ATC: Flight 123, the number is 250, either slow down to it or turn to it!
A Cherokee 180 was holding short one day waiting for a DC8 to land. The DC8 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick witted comedian in the DC8 crew got on the radio and said: ”What a cute airplane, did you make it yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with the following: ”I made it out of DC8 parts. One more landing like that and I have enough parts for another one.”
Departure: Cessna 4321, proceed on course. By the way, what is your destination?
Cessna 4321: “Er...we’re just flying around aimlessly here”
Departure: (After a slight pause)”Cessna 4321, proceed aimlessly.”
Tower: 4321, are you a Cessna?
Cessna 4321: No, I’m a male Hispanic.
Controller sitting next to me is trying to get Mooney 543Q to change to my frequency, but gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney already switched frequencies accidentally, since he was a local pilot who knew what was coming, asked me to check.
Me: Mooney 543Q, are you on this frequency?
Mooney 543Q: Negative. But I should be any time now.
This happened on a clear night with unlimited visibility. The Cherokee 140 was ready for a flight back to Buttonville and the pilot wanted to fly as high as possible to give his passengers the best possible view.
Pilot: Toronto terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington Skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC: QOZ, cleared to Flight Level 230.
Pilot: Did you say Flight Level 230 for QOZ?
ATC: Just kidding, I can give you 6500 feet.
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground: Cessna 1234, taxi approved, report leaving the airport.
Dead reckoning still has its place. We once had a pilot call in and say:” Help. I’m hopelessly lost over Gravette Arkansas.” We all looked at each other and asked how he can be lost if he knows he was over Gravette Arkansas. The pilot said: Because I’m circling the water tower and it says Gravette Arkansas!”
(The town was too small to be on his maps.)
Another pilot called in ,unsure about his position but he had a town in sight. Since we couldn’t find him on radar, we asked him if he could descend and look for the town’s water tower, see what it said on the side and report back.
Sure enough, after three minutes the pilot reported back. “Approach, I found the water tower” The controller looked pleased and asked what it said, the pilot replied: ”It said Seniors 1978.”
ATC: Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero.
Delta23: Delta 23, roger
(Five minutes from Gainesville Delta 23 is still at FL 350.)
ATC: Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at FL 270?
Delta 23: Uuhh,...Jaix...we’re gonna miss that, my first officer took that clearance
ATC: Do you think you could borrow his notes?
Tower: Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left
Mooney: Uhh.. Tower...,23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna.
Pause
Tower: Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an um inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers.
Tower: Cessna 34R, climb to 4000 feet for noise abatement.
Cessna: How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 feet?”
Tower: At 4000 feet you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 feet, and that’s bound to avoid one hell of a racket.
257, do you have Charlie?
Tower, 257, negative, we left him back in the hangar!
257, do you have Echo?
Tower, 257, negative receiving you loud and clear!
257, do you have Hotel?
Tower, 257, negative we are staying with friends!
257, do you have Juliet?
Tower, 257, negative and please don’t tell anything to my wife!
257 do you have Kilo?
Tower, 257, negative, but we do have a few roaches in the ashtray!
257, do you have Mike?
Tower, 257, negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!
257, do you have Oscar?
Tower, 257, negative, but I’m expecting a nomination this year!
257, do you have Papa?
Tower, 257, negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!
257, do you have Romeo?
Tower, 257, negative, negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
257, do you have Uniform?
Tower, 257, negative just jeans and sweatshirt!
257, do you have Victor?
Tower, 257, negative, who is Victor anyway?
257, do you have X-ray?
Tower, 257, negative my doctor wants a CAT-scan!
257, do you have Whiskey?
Tower, 257, negative, not in the last 8 hour, am I not on an assigned heading?
capt. Kebab
New member
Armed Forces and Humor
Most of the mistakes are classified but these aren’t.
When the F117 was being introduced, one of it’s design engineers gave a presentation. During the question-and-answer period a young Air Force officer asked “Isn’t that a F117 tie tack you’re wearing?”
“Yes, and only 200 of these were made” the engineer replied. ”Here, you can have mine. The officer gratefully accepted the gift. After a pause another young man stood up and asked: ”Isn’t that a F117 wristwatch you’re wearing?”
One morning Selfridge Air National Guard Base’s Air Traffic Control picked up a Montana National guard passenger aircraft. Instead of identifying the plane by it’s five digit number, its pilot radioed: ”Selfridge Approach, this is Pig Sty One”. As taught the controller used the call sign used by the pilot and the controller thereafter referred to it as “Pig Sty One”.
Just after touchdown the pilot contacted the tower. “Selfridge” he said, ”our call sign is not Pig Sty One. It’s Big Sky One and we have the governor of Montana on board.”
A Mexican Newspaper reported that bored pilots from the Royal Airforce stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised a marvelous new game. The pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Ten thousand or so penguins turn their head in unison, watching the plane go by and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their head in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then the fun begins. The pilots fly away from the shore, out to the sea and then turn and fly straight back in and right over the top of the penguin colony. Heads go up,up,up.....and then thousands of penguins fall over on their backs.
One day, an Army helicopter was flying around the Chicago area. As happened to all of us, at one time or another, he just couldn’t seem to get his tongue coordinated at all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.
Center asked him some simple question and his reply was something like this: ”Uh, this is army helichop...uh, helicopter15987...uh, 15879. We’d like to climb to....uh, we’d like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot approach.....uh, shoot a practice ILS Backcourse, uh, backcourse at Grandview Navy,....uh Glenview Navy....”
He finished his transmission feeling pretty stupid when all of a sudden there was this voice (from which you could tell it was an airline captain) that came back with a short comment: ”Hire the handicapped”
The Army pilot never felt this stupid in his life.
A new co-pilot was met by his captain who wanted to impress the co-pilot and told him,: ”You know, I used to be a Navy fighter pilot!” The co-pilot looks at him and says: ”Is that right, thanks for the warning, I'll just talk slower than.”
A couple of Air Force pilots where flying in their F102's in escort with a B36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their maneuverability, acceleration and the like. The B36 pilot replied,: ”Yeah? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can’t even touch”. Naturally he was challenged to demonstrate. “Watch”, he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, ”There! How was that?” Not having seen anything, the fighter pilot says, ”What are you talking about?”
Reply, ”Well, I went for a stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator.”
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpecting reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somehow chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might have well been more severe. The Harrier’s target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily the Harrier was operating unarmed.
Most of the mistakes are classified but these aren’t.
When the F117 was being introduced, one of it’s design engineers gave a presentation. During the question-and-answer period a young Air Force officer asked “Isn’t that a F117 tie tack you’re wearing?”
“Yes, and only 200 of these were made” the engineer replied. ”Here, you can have mine. The officer gratefully accepted the gift. After a pause another young man stood up and asked: ”Isn’t that a F117 wristwatch you’re wearing?”
One morning Selfridge Air National Guard Base’s Air Traffic Control picked up a Montana National guard passenger aircraft. Instead of identifying the plane by it’s five digit number, its pilot radioed: ”Selfridge Approach, this is Pig Sty One”. As taught the controller used the call sign used by the pilot and the controller thereafter referred to it as “Pig Sty One”.
Just after touchdown the pilot contacted the tower. “Selfridge” he said, ”our call sign is not Pig Sty One. It’s Big Sky One and we have the governor of Montana on board.”
A Mexican Newspaper reported that bored pilots from the Royal Airforce stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised a marvelous new game. The pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Ten thousand or so penguins turn their head in unison, watching the plane go by and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their head in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then the fun begins. The pilots fly away from the shore, out to the sea and then turn and fly straight back in and right over the top of the penguin colony. Heads go up,up,up.....and then thousands of penguins fall over on their backs.
One day, an Army helicopter was flying around the Chicago area. As happened to all of us, at one time or another, he just couldn’t seem to get his tongue coordinated at all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.
Center asked him some simple question and his reply was something like this: ”Uh, this is army helichop...uh, helicopter15987...uh, 15879. We’d like to climb to....uh, we’d like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot approach.....uh, shoot a practice ILS Backcourse, uh, backcourse at Grandview Navy,....uh Glenview Navy....”
He finished his transmission feeling pretty stupid when all of a sudden there was this voice (from which you could tell it was an airline captain) that came back with a short comment: ”Hire the handicapped”
The Army pilot never felt this stupid in his life.
A new co-pilot was met by his captain who wanted to impress the co-pilot and told him,: ”You know, I used to be a Navy fighter pilot!” The co-pilot looks at him and says: ”Is that right, thanks for the warning, I'll just talk slower than.”
A couple of Air Force pilots where flying in their F102's in escort with a B36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their maneuverability, acceleration and the like. The B36 pilot replied,: ”Yeah? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can’t even touch”. Naturally he was challenged to demonstrate. “Watch”, he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, ”There! How was that?” Not having seen anything, the fighter pilot says, ”What are you talking about?”
Reply, ”Well, I went for a stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator.”
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpecting reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somehow chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might have well been more severe. The Harrier’s target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily the Harrier was operating unarmed.
capt. Kebab
New member
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Eagle Creek
New member
Prachtig!
Deze is ook mooi:
Controller: "Flight 3421, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees!"
Pilot: "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
Controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"
arthorizon
New member
Nog eentje uit Art's herinnering.
Voor degenen die niet bekend zijn met het fenomeen, "expect late landing clearence", hier het volgende.
Als je dat van DXB tower hoorde dan moest je wakker worden want dat kon wel eens betekenen dat het vervolgens stil bleef.
Dus, over the fence, "Tower, landing clearence?", met in gedachten een go around,
Kwam een haastig Engels accent, " ABC 321, certainly, clear to land, take first to the right.
Hah, noway Jose, "tower, unable, can we take second?" Reply, "Affirm, we still have happy hour." Only mad dogs and englishmen.
En, DXB ground, at start up, "Aah, ground, cant make up your instruction, lots of back ground noise with you." 'ABC 321, right, sorry old chap, the maid is Hoovering the place right now, tel you again in a minute"
Hmm, such bliss.
Cheers
Art
Voor degenen die niet bekend zijn met het fenomeen, "expect late landing clearence", hier het volgende.
Als je dat van DXB tower hoorde dan moest je wakker worden want dat kon wel eens betekenen dat het vervolgens stil bleef.
Dus, over the fence, "Tower, landing clearence?", met in gedachten een go around,
Kwam een haastig Engels accent, " ABC 321, certainly, clear to land, take first to the right.
Hah, noway Jose, "tower, unable, can we take second?" Reply, "Affirm, we still have happy hour." Only mad dogs and englishmen.
En, DXB ground, at start up, "Aah, ground, cant make up your instruction, lots of back ground noise with you." 'ABC 321, right, sorry old chap, the maid is Hoovering the place right now, tel you again in a minute"
Hmm, such bliss.
Cheers
Art