Het Grote Moppen Topic

Q-nimbus

New member
In navolging van Pprune leek het mij ook leuk om hier eens wat moppen te posten. Het hoeven niet per se moppen te zijn, als het maar grappig is.

Bij deze:



The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in
the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more
than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

He gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you",
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that: since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh
my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


En nog een leuk log van een IRC chatsessie:


<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.
<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> fucking ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

:D :D :D :D
 
E

Exit

Guest
Waarom vrouwen porno-films altijd helemaal afkijken?
Omdat ze denken dat er aan het einde een bruiloft komt...
 

Addy

New member
komt een vrouw bij de kassa en betaalt met honderd euro zegt de kassiere dat is vals geld mevrouw shit zegt die vrouw dan ben ik verkracht
 

plane driver

New member
Wat is het verschil tussen een alcoholist en een nymfomane?
Een cockpitdeur.

Waarom zijn Jack Daniels flessen niet rond?
Voorkomt dat ze naar achter rollen tijdens take off.

En voor de kenners onder ons:p
waarom heeft de Avro zoveel bird hits?
Er vliegen zoveel vogels van achter in de motoren
 
Last edited:

Putty

New member
Basje komt thuis van zijn eerste schooldag in groep 4. Mamma vraagt hij: "wat heb jij, als je hier ballen hebt?" En hij wijst met z'n vingertje naar zijn rechter-knie. "Wat, uh, ik zou het niet weten." zegt mamma, terwijl ze limonade inschenkt.
"Eën klote knie" zegt Basje "En wat heb jij als je daar ballen hebt?" wijzend naar zijn linker-elleboog. "Nou?" vraagt mamma fronzend over zoon's taalgebruik. "Een klote arm" zegt het knaapje grijnzend. "En, wat heb je als hier ballen hebt?" vraagt hij terwijl hij zijn wijsvingertje op moeder's kin legt. "Een klote kin" antwoordt moeder ge-irriteerd. "Nee" krijst Basje gierend "dan heb je een lul in je mond!
 

Putty

New member
Een B747 van SIA vertrekt op tijd van EBBR. Het toestel is net Ierland gepasseerd en de restanten van de eerste snacks worden opgeruimd, als de captain over de intercom mededeelt, dat de vlucht een halfuur langer gaat duren omdat de rechter buiten motor wegens een storing is afgeschakeld.
Een uurtje later, op eenderde van de hoofdfilm spreekt de captain wederom over de intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, de linker buitenmotor is eveneens buiten werking gesteld, wegens storing. We verwachten nu met een vertraging van twee uur aan te komen op JFK."
Het gemor van de pax is nog niet verstomd, of de captain meldt dat de vetraging op zal lopen tot 4 uur, omdat ze nu nog maar op een motor vliegen.
Sjefke wordt boos, staat op, en roept gefrustreerd over het gangpad "Non*ju, laten we hopen, dat dieje loatste motor nie uitvalt, anders blijven we vliegen!"
 

capt. Kebab

New member
ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off
ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.
BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.
BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your plane if flying costs keep going up
CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.
"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.
CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centers.
CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.
CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.
DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.
DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.
ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.
GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.
GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.
HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.
RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.
WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.
LANDING FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.
 

capt. Kebab

New member
GLOSSARY OF PILOT TERMS
A & P Rating Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aero That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils Swords used for dueling in flight.
Airplane The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed 1. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. 2. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Airstrip In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Center A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Avgas Fuel the FAA wants pilots to use in their general aviation aircraft, can also be found in some turbine equipped aircraft (See also Lazy 8)

Barrel Roll Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Captain Pilot who mostly flies from the left seat. Is responsible for all the mistakes made by the co-pilot (See also co-pilot)

Carburetor Ice Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Carburetor Icing Usually vanilla.
Chock 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Piece of wood the lineboy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
Cockpit 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
Control Tower Secure place where all sick and perverted mass-murderers are kept.
Co-pilot Pilot who mostly sits in the right seat and is blamed for all the mistakes the captain makes (See also captain)
Cuban 8 A family of political refugees in Miami.

De-icer The person that puts de ice on the wing.
Dive Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Drag Chute Emergency escape slide near pilot's window. Opens automatically if male copilot shows up in women's clothes.

Fast Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Glider Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight A 350-pound pilot (also see Split S). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

Hangar Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.

Induced Drag When a male copilot is forced to put on women's clothes against his will.
Jet-assisted Takeoff A rapid takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.

Lazy 8 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

Magneto 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during W.W.I to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.
Motor A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")

National Airport Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

Oshkosh A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

Pilot A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pilot Flying Pilot who needs to figure out how to get from A to B (See also Navigation and Pilot Non Flying)
Pilot Non Flying Pilot who gets to read the newspaper during flight (See also Pilot Flying)
Pitot Tube On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Push-to-talk Button that gets stuck when discussing intimate details

Radar An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Ramp Agent Person who books artists for the upcoming airshow.
Roger The most popular name in radio.
Rudder Control surface used after the third or fourth lesson.

S-turn Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Simulator Very expensive moving sauna.
Split S What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").

Trim Tab 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skintight red jumpsuits.

Vacuum According smart passengers, this causes lift.
Vortex Generators Little expensive things most commonly found on the wing, no pilot is able to tell you what it does, just looks cool.

Wind Screen Display for two-dimensional insects, preferable in bright colors.
Winglet Place for airlines to advertise their logo.
 

Pirke

New member
Is het echt zo erg met piloten en alcohol?

Hmm, dit was een serieuze vraag, maar klinkt als: zijn blondjes echt zo dom? :grijns:

PS. Als het echt zo is, dan wordt ik vast een goede piloot :D
 

Addy

New member
Een blondje loopt een bank in Amsterdam Centrum binnen en vraagt om een lening. Ze zegt, dat ze voor 2 weken op zakenreis naar de Verenigde Staten moet en dat ze 10.000 euro nodig heeft. De bankbediende zegt dat de bank wel een onderpand nodig heeft voor de lening. Het blondje pakt haar autosleutels en overhandigt de man de sleutels van een gloednieuwe Rolls Royce, die voor het gebouw geparkeerd staat. De identiteit van het blondje wordt gecontroleerd en alles klopt. De bank gaat akkoord met de Rolls als onderpand voor de lening.



Als ze weg is, hebben de directeur en zijn personeel een hoop lol over het feit, dat iemand een auto van een half miljoen als onderpand gebruikt voor een lening van maar 10.000 euro. Echt iets voor een blondje, is de lacherige opinie. Een van de bankmedewerkers rijdt de Rolls in de ondergrondse garage van debank en parkeert de auto daar.



Na twee weken komt het blondje terug en betaalt netjes de lening terug, plus de rente van zo'n 45 euro. De bediende groet haar vriendelijk en zegt, dat ze blij waren zaken met haar te kunnen doen. Maar hij geeft aan, dat ze wel enigszins in verwarring zijn geraakt. Na haar vertrek hebben ze haar nog een keer nagetrokken en het bleek, dat ze multimiljonair is. Waarom wou ze in vredesnaam 10.000 euro lenen, terwijl ze zelf zo rijk is.



Het blondje kijkt hem glimlachend aan en zegt: "Waar zou je anders in Amsterdam voor slechts 45 euro je auto voor 2 weken kunnen parkeren?"
 

Pirke

New member
Een blondje komt bij een Citroen dealer binnen en kijkt even rond. De verkoper stapt op haar af en vraagt of hij haar kan helpen. Het blondje wijst een auto aan en zegt: "Die wil ik!". Zo gezegd zo gedaan, koopovereenkomst getekend, blondje rekent af en staat erop dat ze de auto meteen mee krijgt. Met een brede glimlach neemt ze plaats en rijdt ze de showroom uit. De verkoper kijkt haar na en ziet dat ze net voorbij de oprit stopt. De verkoper kijkt verbaasd maar veel tijd heeft hij niet aangezien er nieuwe klanten binnen komen.

Tegen sluitingstijd staat het blondje nog steeds net voorbij de oprit en de verkoper besluit om er even heen te lopen. "Heeft u ergens problemen mee?" vraagt de verkoper. "Nee" zegt dat blondje, "ik wacht". De verkoper kijkt haar raar aan en vraagt: "Waar wacht u dan op mevrouw?" "Nou", zegt dat blondje, "ik had gehoord dat als je hier een auto kocht, dat je dan flink genaaid werd..."
 

peut

New member
Zo komt er een goudvis bij de dokter, zegt de dokter " aha ik zie het al, hij is uit de kom"
 

Co-Co Flanel

New member
Een stewardess komt de cockpit binnen en vraagt aan de twee piloten:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
De piloten staren maar wat voor zich uit en geven geen antwoord, dus ze probeert het nog een keer:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
Weer komt er geen reactie en ze besluit de aandacht van de piloten te trekken door te zeggen:
"Ik ken nog een mopje."
De captain draait zich moeizaam om, en zegt:
"Nou, vertel je mopje eens."
Waarop de stewardess vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een condoom en de cockpit?"
De captain werpt een onnozele blik en zegt:
"Ik heb geen idee."
Waarop de stewardess zegt:
"In een cockpit passen twee lullen......"
Dan draait de First Officer zich om en zegt:
"Dan ken ik er ook nog wel ééntje."
En de stewardess zegt:
"Nou, vraag maar raak!"
Waarop de First Officer vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een tampon en een theezakje?"
De stewardess zegt:
"Geen idee!"
Waarop beide piloten zich omdraaien en de First Officer mompelt:
"Doe ons beiden dan maar een kopje koffie."
 

funflying

New member
One day, a man walking came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.

He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb.

Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

The man figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing and came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, more attractive woman than before.

She says: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

The man saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On the next level of clouds, he finds a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She says, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Not satisfied that this is the best he can get, he continues climbing quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he finds a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

The man couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 16 stone, 6' hairy biker looking guy with tattoos.

The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward the man .

Apprehensively, the man whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
 

funflying

New member
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told th clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too !" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the Hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent ours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?". I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday............
 
Top