Vroegah, toen ik nog tijd over had en alle onzin verzamelde......
Van een oude floppy terug op het net, excuses voor dubbele posts, more to come.
One airline captain was never good at making passengers feel at ease. One example is of the time that an airliner in front of him blew a tire during the landing, scattering chunks of rubber over the entire runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out to clean the runway. His announcement:
Ladies and gentleman. I’m afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They’ve closed down the airport while they clean up what’s left of the last airplane that landed there.
A flight engineer on his first month flying the line was persuaded that all the stories he heard about pilots and stewardesses were true and that the term layover really meant what he thought it meant.
Returning from one layover he heard the captain tell the first officer: ”Wow! That Mary is some girl! I was in my bedroom when the phone rang. It was Mary who said she couldn’t open her suitcase and could I help? So I went down, opened the suitcase and she handed me a drink. Then she excused herself and went to the bathroom. When she came out she hadn’t a stitch on. What a night!”
A few days later the same crew repeated the flight sequence and on the return the engineer overheard the first officer telling the captain: ”You were quite right about Mary. It happened to me last night” He proceeded to recite the same sequence of events.
The engineer was intrigued and excited by all this and when the same crew repeated the flight sequence he was delighted when the telephone rang and a voice said:”Oh, I can’t get my suitcase open. Would you be kind enough to come to my room to help me?”
It was Mary and the engineer beat the world record for sprint to her room. In no time at all he had the case open and the grateful Mary handed him a Scotch. She then excused herself and went into the bathroom. The engineer was not the sort of man to waste time. He immediately undressed and got into bed. Sure enough, about ten minutes later the bathroom door opened and Mary came out.
She was fully clothed and followed by the rest of the crew.
The airport was crowded. There was a line of more than a dozen aircraft waiting to take off when an airliner came down and thumped the runway with an almighty thud, reared into the air again and finally settled for just about the worst landing in years.
Most of the captains had their breath taken away by the sight, but one skipper allowed a flight hostess to use the radio and announce: ”You girls are lucky. Our company won’t allow us to land the aircraft.”
Squawk sheet entry: Friction lock causes throttle lever to stick.
Mechanic’s reply: That’s what they are for.
Squawk sheet entry: Left inside tire almost needs replacement.
Mechanic’s reply: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
AIRLINES TERMINOLOGY
Passenger
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a “line”. This “line” has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, paxus latus, paxus inebratius and paxus ignoramus.
Pre-board
Passengers who arrive at the gate five minutes before departure.
Voluntary Oversale
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming of the flight.
No-record
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
Non-revenue Position
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
Group
A large pack of passengers travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no more seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
Sign
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. It’s primary function is to hide the locations of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
Position Closed
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passengers says:”Form line here.”
Baggage Claim
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area”
Carry On Bag
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passengers seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following items are not acceptable as carry on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators or wide screen projection TVs
Flight Schedule
An entertaining work of paperback function.
On Time
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
Fog
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
Air Traffic Control
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules and neither side knows how it is played but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time to make connecting flights.
Ticket Agent
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of a sheep dog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psycho analyst and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they are found in public access parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.
An American leg pull was to tell a new stewardess that it was her duty to put the nose wheel down before landing and show her how to use the lever. More than often it was the flap lever. The crews would keep this up for months. One day though a captain brought his airplane in for a landing when all of a sudden the young stewardess burst into the flight deck, shouting:”Don’t land for God’s sake, don’t land.” No arguing at moments like these, the pilots went around. When everything had settled down again, the stewardess apologized:
“I’m terrible sorry, but I’ve been so busy that I forgot to lower the nose wheel!”
Squawk-sheet entry: Something loose in the cockpit.
Mechanic’s reply: Something tightened in the cockpit.
Squawk sheet entry: Dead bugs on windshield.
Mechanic’s reply: Live bugs on order.
Squawk sheet entry: DME Volume unbelievable loud.
Mechanic’s reply: Volume set to more believable levels.
Squawk sheet entry: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Mechanic’s reply: Evidence removed.
The Top 15 Advertising slogans for discount airlines.
1. We’re Amtrak with wings.
2. Join our frequent near miss program.
3. Ask about our out of court settlements!
4. Noisy engines? We’ll turn them off.
5. Complimentary champagne in free fall.
6. Enjoy the in-flight movie of the airplane next to you.
7. The kids will love the inflatable slides!
8. You think it’s so easy, get your own damn airplane..
9. Our pilots are terminal ill and have nothing to lose.
10.We might be landing in your street!
11.Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
12. Bring a bathing suit.
13. So that’s what these buttons do!
14. A real man lands where he wants to.
15. We never make the same mistake three times
After 15 hours a Boeing 747 becomes a Boring 747.
At a grocery checkout counter a customer was sorting through various currencies, searching for U.S. dollars to pay for his purchases. Look at all the money” the cashier said ”I bet you’re going overseas!” “I’m an airline pilot, the customer explained, I frequently fly to the Orient.”
“Ooooh, a pilot! That must be exciting”
“Not if I do it right.”
Many flight attendants do a great job handling the cranks, nitwits and crying babies. And they do all this with a smile. Some of them missed their calling as standup comedians. Witness the following:
“In the unlikely event we make it as far as a body of water before we crash you can use your complimentary snack as a shark repellent”
“Please be sure that your seat backs and tray are in their full upright position, and that all the carry-on baggage is stowed under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. This does not include small children”
“When the yellow oxygen masks do fall down, place one of the masks securely over your own face, before placing one over the face of a child or a person acting like one...”
The pilot of a small freight plane was getting a little complacent in his radio phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late night run. Every weekday at 2:00am he would call in: ”Jones Field, good morning. Guess who?”
The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio techniques, but the pilot continued his daily: ”Jones Field, good morning. Guess who?” only one time too many.
The controller, well prepared, turned of all the lights on the airport and responded: ”Jones Field, guess where!” The freight pilots radio procedures were impeccable from then on.
On a small commuter flight one sunny day the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a “small” plane. He decided to take action: ”Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have been informed that some of you are a little bit worried about being on a ‘little’ airplane. Well let me assure you folks, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and relax. It might be helpful to do a little sightseeing to put your mind at ease. Now if you all lean over and lookout over the right wing......It’ll tip over! Hahahahahahaha. Just a little pilot humor.....”
I was flying for a little commuter airline and I was flying as a co-pilot just north of Little Rock, Arkansas when ATC said: ”You’ve got traffic twelve o’clock, slow moving, altitude unknown. Could be a flock of geese moving north.”
Indeed it was, we spotted the geese , reported them to ATC and went on our way. A week later we were flying in the same area when ATC all of a sudden said: ”Slow moving traffic, northbound, altitude unknown.’ Even though I was supposed to handle the radio my authoritative captain said: ”I’ve got it!” “Eh, Center, it’s probably just a flock of geese!”
Center replied: ”I don’t think so, unless they wear transponders nowadays!”
Whenever our company was negotiating about the new contracts a lot of pilots called in sick. The company didn’t have enough pilots to work this problem out and so they started calling other pilots and intimidated them so they would work overtime.
But pilots are smart when it came to avoiding these phone calls. Some fellow pilots used “forward calling” and forwarded their phone number to their own company so managers at the office were talking to other managers in the office who answered calls.
One early morning around six o’clock while talking to Memphis Center everybody was half asleep when all of a sudden:” Helloo Memphis Center, American 123 is leaving Flight Level 230 for Flight Level 350 steering direct for Saint Louis, we’ve got hot coffee, smooth air and good people all around us!” Center replied, sleepy and grouchy,: ”American 123, you’re on the wrong frequency, get back to your previously assigned frequency!”
It was very quiet for a few seconds and they replied: ”Center, American 123 again, disregard everything I said after Hello and we’ll see you later!!”
After that it became dead silent again but everybody was awake for awhile.
Continental324: Tower, can you ask Delta 457 to come up on our company frequency?
Delta457: We are professionals, we don’t do that!”
Continental324: Tower, can you tell those professionals that their gear pins are still installed.?
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard his captain make an announcement: ”Ladies and gentlemen, Qantas Airlines wishes to apologize for this rough landing, provided today by our first officer.”
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the captain did an even worse one. The first officer jumped at the occasion and got on the intercom announcing: ”Qantas Airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our captain.”
“What did you do that for?” The first officer replied: ”Remember a few months back, you did the same to me, I owe it to you!”
“But I never keyed the mike!” responded the captain.
While a DC 10 rolls down the runway after a fast landing, ”American 751 Heavy, take the right turn at the end if able, if not take the Guadeloupe exit off to Highway 101 back to the airport.
This was obviously the crew’s first time at Raleigh Durham Airport, they already had their gate assigned and the following conversation took place.
Crew: Raleigh-Durham this is five-seven-five coming at ya. Confirm gate assignment.
Ops. Control: Five-seven-five gate assignment is ten, that is one zero!
Crew: Copy ten, one zero, we’re on the ground.
Ops. Control: Roger, five-seven-five on the ground, copy that!
Crew: Uhhh, where is our ground crew?
Ops. Control: Ground crew is at gate ten, that’s one zero?
Crew: Raleigh Durham, I thought you had jetways at this airport?
Ops. Control: Affirmative on the jetways, five-seven-five.
Crew: Raleigh Durham WHERE IS THE GROUND CREW ???
Ops. Control: Five-seven-five, the ground crew saw you land, but where are you? Please identify your surroundings.
Crew: Raleigh Durham, we are parked by a DC9, tail number niner two five and there is a UPS stretch 727 on the other end of the terminal.
Ops. Control: Copy that sir, I strongly suggest you announce a gate change. You have parked yourself at the Air Freight Terminal!
Crew: Uh oh! Copy gate change!
Thirteen ministers were on a flight to New York. When they came into a large storm they told a stewardess to tell the pilot that everything would be alright because thirteen ministers were on board. Later the stewardess returned from the cockpit. “What did the pilot say?” one preacher asked. “He was glad to have thirteen ministers on board but he would rather have four good engines.”
An airline pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the ‘newly arrived’ area. There are three doors, marked one two and three, in turn. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something else and disappears.
The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot who goes through preflight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency siuations. Behind the last door he sees a captain being waited on hand and foot by barely dressed stewardesses. The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.
The devil offers him what’s behind door number one or two. The pilot says: ”Hey, I wanted number three!!” “Sorry”, the devil replies, ”but you can’t have number three, that’s the flight attendant’s hell!”
Things you don’t want to hear on the airline’s PA system.
1. Oceanic crossing flight: This is your captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device....
2. Hey, folks we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of the airlines new commitment to make your flight a sightseeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!
5. Ummmm......Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after take-off).....uhhhh....we have to go back.... we...uhhh.....forgot something.
7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we will be flying more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seatbelts (same tone your friend with suicidal tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your captain speaking....these planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to...so you’ll have to give me some leeway.
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and enjoyed the in-flight movie.
11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20.000 feet and. Oh shit....
12. Don’t worry, that one is always on em...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...and I’ll just have what the captain is having....
15. Hey, why don’t you tell the new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the airplane.
"You Just Might Be Freight Trash if.."
1. Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
2. You have not done a daylight takeoff or landing during the past six months.
3. ATC advises you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't care.
4. When you taxi to an FBO they roll Out the red carpet, but quickly take it back inside when they recognize you.
5. You have lost more than 45% of your hearing because your aircraft soundproofing has been removed to safe weight.
6. Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
7. Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
8. Your company callsign is "Pork Rib".
9. The lady at the FBO locks-up the popcorn machine' when you taxi in, because you plan on "making a meal of it".
10. You are always the last one cleared for takeoff, no matter how soon you call the tower or arrive at the runway.
11. Your airplane has more than eight faded company logos on it.
12. You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
13. Airlines hold and wait for you to "test the squall line" first.
14. Your airplane has belonged to more than sixteen different companies.
15. Center mispronounces your callusing more than three times in one flight.
16. Your director of operations mysteriously changes your maximum takeoff weight during the holiday season
17. You have the same eating habits as a vampire
18. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
19. You show up to work and a G-IV pilot asks you to fuel his airplane and carry his bags.
20. It would take more than 23 different colors to copy your company’s paint scheme.
21. You refuse to take vectors around weather.
22. Mothers tell their children to stay away from you in terminals because they think you life there
23. ATC continuously makes you land on the runway that will require the longest taxi time.
24. You call the hotel van for a pickup and they don’t understand where you are on the airport.
25. You never had a passenger complain.
HELP! I DON'T WANT TO BE AN AIRLINE PILOT!
I walked into the interview with a great deal of confidence and enthusiasm. Flying airplanes was my one true passion in this life. This was my big chance to merge my occupation with my love. I would become an airline pilot.
"So you want to be an airline pilot?" the interviewer inquired.
'Yes, sir, more than anything else I have ever wanted," I replied, realizing I soun¬ded like an anxious adolescent.
‘Well, great, welcome aboard," the airline executive said.
'You mean I'm hired?! I cheered.
'You bet, we're glad to have you. Actually, we've had trouble finding good pilots, to hire," the exec explained. If I was surprised, it was overshadowed by my joy of reaching my dream.
"Let's just go over a few points before you sign on the dotted line," the company man chortled. "We're going to send you to the world's most renowned medical center. They'll spend two days probing your body orifices, draining and analyzing your blood, and administering psychological exams. If they find any hint of current or future problems, you're fired and can find your own ride home."
"Gee, I think my health is O.K.," I nervously choked out.
The manager went on, "Good, next we'll evaluate your flying skills in an aircraft you've never been in before.
"If we don't like the way you perform, you're fired."
I was confident with my flying, but this guy was making me nervous. He continued, "Next, if you're still here, we'll run you through our training program. If during any time in the next 10 years you decide to leave the company, you'll have to reimbur¬se us $20,000 or we'll sue you. Also if you fail to measure up during training, you're fired."
The man who had just given me my dream job listed still more hurdles. "Each time, before we allow you near one of our multimillion dollar aircraft we'll X-ray your flight bag and luggage, because we don't trust you. Also we'll ask you to pass through a magnetometer each time. If you fail to do so, you'll be arrested and jailed."
"When you've completed your flight, we'll have you provide a urine sample, becau¬se we don't trust you to not take drugs. Very soon, we plan to take a blood sample to look for more drugs.
"Also if you ever fly with another crew member who may have used drugs or alco¬hol, you must report to us immediately. If you fail to notice that anyone has used these substances, you'll be fired, have your license to fly revoked, and be fined $10,000.
"Every six months, we want you to go back to the medical center for another exam. If they ever find a hint of a problem, your license to fly will be revoked and we'll fire you. Anytime you see a medical person, you must tell us about it so we can see if you need to be grounded and terminated. Also, we need to examine your driving record, and you must tell us if you have even any minor infractions so we can remove you from the cockpit as soon as possible.
"At any time, without notice, a special branch of the government will send one of its inspectors to ride in you aircraft. The inspectors will demand to see your papers and license. If your papers are not in order, you'll be removed, fined, terminated, and possibly jailed.
"If at any time you make an error in judgement or an honest human mistake, you will be terminated, be fined tens of thousands of dollars, and be dragged through months of court proceedings. The government will make sure you never fly again for any airline."
Smiling an evil smile now, the airline hirer went on. "Oh, and one last thing to cover. Occasionally, we in management fail to see a trend and screw up royally or the country's economy falls flat on its face. If as a result of one of those events the corporation begins to lose money, you as an employee will be expected to make up the losses from your paycheck."
"Now sign here," he pointed, grinning as he handed me a pen.
I faked a sudden nosebleed. Holding my head back and pinching my nostrils, I hurried from his office. When I got to the hall, I began to run. I ran all the way to my car. I figured if I hurried I could still get to the county vocational school before 5:00 and enroll in the industrial welding career program.
45 Fun Things To Do In A Cockpit.
The wonderful privileges of jumpseating, who isn't familiar? Flying in the smallest seats for free to any destination. You can visit relatives when on breaks, go fishing in wonderful areas, visit a flight attendant you ran into on your last flight.
But what when your company tells you to jumpseat? Go pick up an airplane there, you are our only healthy pilot to fly that thing . Yes we know it is on the other side of this conti¬nent but we can't afford you a ticket.
It are times like these you are dreading long waiting times, dumb excuses, captains who think they are funny, nothing to eat but peanuts and flights that don't connect.
So here are some solutions to make the flight a little more exciting or, when you're lucky your company may even lose their jumpseat privileges. Good luck and lot's of fun.
1. Make race car noises while you are taxiing
2. Blow your nose and show everybody the contents of your Kleenex.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and yell: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world afterall" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies
6. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch! Bad touch!"
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your flightcase and, while peering inside ask;" Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to every flight crew member. wear yours upside down.
10. Stare emotionless at the circuit breaker panel and not say anything.
11. When parked at the gate pull and yank at the door and act embarrassed when it opens to the outside.
12. Lean over to the FO and whisper; "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone on the flightdeck and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: "Flatulence"!
15. At FL 350 tell them you're getting dizzy and ask if they can open a window.
16. While buckled up, do Thai Chi exercises.
17. Stare and grin at the flight attendants for awhile and then say: "I've got new socks on."
18. While taxiing moan "Oh no, not now, damn motion sickness"
19. Give religious tracts to each crewmember.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the captain you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter: "gotta go ,gotta go!", then sigh and say "oops".
23. Show passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while pushing buttons on the overhead panel.
25. Holler: "Touchdown" when landing.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Body Parts" on the side.
27. Stare at the FE and say: "You're one of them".
28. Burp and say: "mmm, tasty!"
29. Stare at your thumb and say: "I think it's getting larger."
30. Ask the crew if you can push some buttons for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to other people "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the cockpit is silent ask: "Is that the TCAS going off?".
34. Practice your harmonica.
35. Shadow box in the jet way.
36. Say: "Ding" when reaching each assigned flight level.
37. Wear X ray specs and leer suggestive at the flight attendants.
38. Say: " I wonder what this will do" and pull the cabin oxygen emergency switch.
39. Listen to the walls with a stethoscope.
40. Make explosion sounds when somebody pushes a button.
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Chew on a bunch of peanuts and ask: " Wanna see wha in my mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings
45. Announce with a demonic voice and rolling eyes: "I must find a more suitable host body".
There were several airplanes “holding short” and waiting for takeoff-clearance. All of them had pulled over into the holding area just short of the taxiway leading to the runway and were just sitting there, side by side, waiting for their clearance.
An Eastern flight taxied into the area and continued slowly past the parked aircraft untill it was blocking all other aircraft. The tower cleared the first aircraft for takeoff, but all they could do was complain, :”we’re blocked and can’t get to the runway”.
The tower then asked, “who can reach the runway for takeoff?”
“Eastern 313 is ready to go!”
After being cleared for takeoff, the Eastern whispered smugly over the radio,”Purdy slick, huh?”
As they started to roll down the runway and got up to about 80 knots, someone keyed a mike and rang the engine fire-warning alarm test.
Eastern immediately aborted the takeoff and reported, “Eastern 313, we’re aborting for an engine fire warning but we didn’t have any fire lights illuminated!”
As they taxied clear of the runway someone added, “Purdy slick, huh?”
Bumper sticker on a car in Florida... Flight Attendants are here to save your ass... not kiss it
How many captains does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one to hold the bulb, then the world revolves around him.
How do you know if there is a captain at a party?
He will tell you.
What is a first officer's chat up line? "That's enough about me, lets talk about flying."
What's the difference between a pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk!
How can you tell you are having dinner at a pilot's house?
He's the one putting the plates on the floor at the end of the meal!
Did you hear the sad story of the pilot who died a few weeks after his retirement?
His wife didn't know he had to be fed every 15 minutes!
Q. What do pilots use for birth control?
A. Their personality.
A stewardess runs into the terminal shouting "quick, there's a pilot laying naked on the tarmac!"
"How do you know that is a pilot?" asked someone.
"Easy," said the stewardess, "big watch, small dick!!"
