Het Grote Moppen Topic

Aussie Ghost Story - don't read if you have a weak heart.This happened
a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night
was rolling on and not a car went by. The storm was so strong he could
hardly see more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car that looked
like bini slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car
and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for
his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel and the car slowly went round the curve.

Paralysed with terror, Joh watched how the hand appeared every time they
came to a bend. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering
strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went
through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and
wasn't drunk.

About 2 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the ****** idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it."
 
To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool." Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "Johnson" immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So THAT'S how you load those things
 
:haha: Wise words:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 
Co-Co Flanel said:
Een stewardess komt de cockpit binnen en vraagt aan de twee piloten:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
De piloten staren maar wat voor zich uit en geven geen antwoord, dus ze probeert het nog een keer:
"Willen jullie koffie of thee?"
Weer komt er geen reactie en ze besluit de aandacht van de piloten te trekken door te zeggen:
"Ik ken nog een mopje."
De captain draait zich moeizaam om, en zegt:
"Nou, vertel je mopje eens."
Waarop de stewardess vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een condoom en de cockpit?"
De captain werpt een onnozele blik en zegt:
"Ik heb geen idee."
Waarop de stewardess zegt:
"In een cockpit passen twee lullen......"
Dan draait de First Officer zich om en zegt:
"Dan ken ik er ook nog wel ééntje."
En de stewardess zegt:
"Nou, vraag maar raak!"
Waarop de First Officer vraagt:
"Wat is het verschil tussen een tampon en een theezakje?"
De stewardess zegt:
"Geen idee!"
Waarop beide piloten zich omdraaien en de First Officer mompelt:
"Doe ons beiden dan maar een kopje koffie."
Click to expand...

Hahahahaha brilliant :D

Overigens een gouden vondst dit topic...Hier nog een:



zitten twee piloten in de cockpit, komt de purser binnenlopen en die ziet een gigantische bos bloemen staan. 'waar zijn die voor?'
'nou, als jij ons nou allebei een lekkere pijpbeurt geeft dan is die bos voor jou!' zegt de gezagvoerder. Affijn, purser staat natuurlijk raar te kijken..'ja we werken nu al een jaar of 10 samen, en eigenlijk lijkt me dat niet zo'n goed idee' zegt ze, en ze loopt weer weg

Even later komt er een andere stewardess binnen, die ziet natuurlijk ook die bloemen staan...Hee meid, als je ons nou allebei een lekkere pijpbeurt geeft zijn ze voor jou hoor!
'Ja nou, eehh...we kennen elkaar nu 5 jaar en eigenlijk vind ik dat niet zo'n goed plan voor onze werksfeer' En ook zij loopt weg...

Tijdje later komt de stewardess aanlopen die net haar eerste werkdag heeft...

'waarvoor zijn die bloemen?' Nou, die zijn voor jou, dat is traditie voor de eerste werkdag! Nou affijn, t meisje helemaal blij met die reusachtige bos bloemen, en ze rent naar de cabine...'kijk eens!' zegt ze tegen haar collega's, 'Kijk eens wat voor een mooie bos bloemen ik heb gehad!'
 
Lopen twee belgen op straat.... zegt de één tegen de ander...


ahh laat ook maar, binnenkort komt er een noemenswaardiger!
Haha geweldig topic dit!
 
Zat idd op de belgenmoppen te wachten, maar ja, met een belgische werkgever....

Daarom maar op safe spelen:

Wie heeft het koperdraad uitgevonden? Twee Hollanders die vochten om een stuiver.

Hoe zijn de grotten van Han ontstaan? Een Hollander was een gulden kwijtgeraakt in de Ardennen.
 
Laatst ergens gelezen:

Over een conversatie tussen een SR-71 en ATC:

US***: Request FL600
ATC: If you can make it, go ahead!
US***: Ok decending from FL800 to FL600
ATC: Silent...
 
While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange "Remove before flight" streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: "Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23." No reply.

They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that "the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio."
The 130 pilot quickly replied, "Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?"
 
A man dies and goes to hell.. while down there he meets a demon.

Demon: hi im the hell liason ill show you around .. Hells not all that bad as people make out .. You smoke?

Man: hell yeah i smoke 2 packs a day

Demon: well todays monday.. on mondays we sit around and smoke all day.. ciggerattes, cigars, pipes.. smoke till are lungs burst
it doenst matter were already dead

Man: Thats sounds good

Demon: You drink?

Man: sure I do at least a six pack a day..

Demon: Well on tuesdays we drink all day ..beer, whiskey, tequila drink till are liver shrivels up.. what do we care ..were dead

Man: wow thats great

Demon: How about drugs?

Man: well sure.. I smoke pot regulary.. occasionally a few lines..

Demon: on Wednesdays we do Pot, coke, extacy, smack.. f@#k it OD it doesnt matter..

Man: wow thats really cool..whats on thursdays?

Demon: are you gay?

man: No

Demon: well your gonna hate thursdays
 
Following their deaths, a woman buried her three ex-husbands in the same grave.
"Why did you bury them in the same grave?" she was asked.
"Well", she began, "they all seemed to be perfectly happy with the same hole when they were alive ..."

----------------------------------------------------

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed
instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

---------------------------------------------------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally
bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry
the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that f*cking wall!”
 
De passagiers van een vliegtuig zitten allemaal op hun plaats en wachten op de piloten om te vertrekken. Twee mannen komen binnen en lopen traag naar de cockpit. Ze dragen een piloten uniform en een donkere bril.

De ene heeft een hond aan de leiband en de andere tikt met een witte stok voor zich uit op de vloer. Ze bereiken de cockpit zonder problemen en sluiten de deur achter zich.

Verschillende passagiers lachen wat zenuwachtig naar elkaar, fronsen hun wenkbrauwen of doen alsof ze het een leuke grap vinden.

Enkele seconden later starten de motoren en begint het vliegtuig over de startbaan te taxi-en. Het toestel gaat steeds sneller, maar het
stijgt niet op. Door de venstertjes zien de passagiers dat het vliegtuig recht op een uitgestrekt meer afstevent aan het einde van
de startbaan.

Het vliegtuig raast nu met zeer hoge snelheid vooruit en verschillende passagiers beginnen te beseffen dat ze nooit zullen opstijgen en dus
in het meer zullen terechtkomen.

Er wordt uit vele kelen luid gegild, maar net op dat moment trekt het vliegtuig lichtjes op en komt het zonder problemen van de grond.

De passagiers komen stilaan tot bedaren en praten nog wat na over die angstaanjagende
"joke".

Enkele minuten later is het incident vergeten.

In de cockpit betast de piloot het dashboard, vind de automatische piloot en zet hem in werking. Plots zegt de piloot: "Weet je wat me soms bang maakt?"
"Nee?", zegt de co-piloot.
"Op een dag beginnen ze te laat te gillen en dan gaan we er allemaal aan!
 
Overheard in court...

And then the Attorney asked...

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Actual Questions and Answers Overheard in Court...

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: Uuhhh...

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: "And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 
Wiskunde nieuwe stijl

Wiskunde nieuwe stijl

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.
The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

Maths test for comprehensives

Name____________________________

Nickname_________________________

Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's £500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid,
to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his
Common law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left, when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the
average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed
with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint
free?

6. Liam steals Jordans skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of
35mph, Jordan loads his brothers Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he
gets whacked?

************************************************** ********

Maths test for private schools

Name______________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________
(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)

School_____________________________________

Daddy's Company____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old mans car, causing X amount of damage and killing three people.
The old man asks his local CC to intervene in the court system,
then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y.
The difference between X and Y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people.
What type of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own
brand products favoured by her employer. In the course of a month
she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even
notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the oops off a certain number of tarts, but he only
has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has
14 Rhoypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size
8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks,
she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much
does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
Women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vaccum cleaners.
However, he only has access to the hoover every third week.
When does his Sunday Independent column start?
 
Lutherian Air

Lutherian Air

We are pleased to announce Lutherian Air is now operating in Minnysota. Also serving Visconsin and Nort' and Sout' Dakota.

If you are travellin' pretty soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline. You are all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin' is a upliftin' experience. Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1 - 6 bring rolls, 7 - 15 bring a salad, 16 - 21 a main dish and 22 - 30 a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'till da budget is met. Pay attention to your stewardess, who will acquaint you wit' the safety systems on dis Lutran Air flight 599.

Ok den, lissen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olsen because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn't bodder wit' doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger t'ings to vorry about dan dat. Just stuff dem back up in der liddle holes. Probably doze masks fell out because of da turbulence, which, to be honest wit' you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two thousand feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after awhile you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget about it. Just start saying da Lord's Prayer and hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us" which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because dey may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because da cell phones is a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone He would have put your mout' on da side of your head. We start lunch right after noon and it's buffet style wit' da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing. Hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit' you when you go, or I'm going to be real upset and I'm not kiddin'!

Right now, I'll say Grace:
"Come Lord Jesus be our guest
And let dese gifts to us be blessed.
Fadder, Son and Holy Ghost
May we land in Dulut' or pretty close."
 
Help to get me bloody pilot's license back

Help to get me bloody pilot's license back

Hi Mate,
I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's
license back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your
chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate.
But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with
the CAA Examiner.
On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA ********) seemed a reasonable sort of
bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years.
He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me operate
from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.
Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit
surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because the ALA
(Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because this
strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the ALA, and
despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip it's really not a
problem to land and take-off, because at the half-way point down the strip
you're usually still on the ground.
For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection
only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again.
Because he was watching me carefully, I walked around the
plane three times instead of my usual two.
My effort was rewarded because the color finally returned to Ron's cheeks.
In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told
him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I had to
deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit
of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the
ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard, but Ron started getting' onto me about
weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of
thing was a waste of time because, calves like to move around a bit,
particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground! So, its bloody pointless
trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't
worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain
pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by
tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm. I then discovered that
Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through
all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it.
Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell
down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The
selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on 'All
tanks', so I suppose that's Okay.
However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on
vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask, which I keep in a beaut little
possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to
relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the
cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, but unfortunately the plane gave
a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel
chock again". The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around
just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop wash disappear completely
through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", I
thought.
While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we
taxi to the ALA, and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a
word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off
point, then he bloody screamed his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
 
atc_approval.gif


:haha:


..:: JET-A is My Perfume ::..
 
Zat idd op de belgenmoppen te wachten, maar ja, met een belgische werkgever....
Click to expand...

Q. Waarom kreunt een Nederlander als hij klaarkomt?
A. omdat het uit zijn eigen zak komt.

Q. Hoe vangt een Belg een Nederlander?
A. Als hij staat te drinken de bril toeklappen.




..:: JET-A is My Perfume ::..
 
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