Pilot One Liners :-)

Tailgunner Joe

Tailgunner Joe

New member
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
A: Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me"!


:D
 
Kennismaking van jonge copiloot met oudere captain, tien minuten voor begin van vlucht:

Captain:

"All this (wuift beide handen langzaam van links naar rechts over het gehele instrument paneel) is MINE!"

"THIS (wijst op push-to-talk knopje op yoke van copiloot) is yours!"

Zoals verteld door een vriend van me, copiloot op een B-1900.
 
"It beats working for a living", "somebody has to do the job", "It's allmost criminal to take the money, but otherwise somebody else would" en "An other day, an other dollar"

van m'n collega en nee, ik vlieg niet voor een airline!
 
Weliswaar geen one-liner maar toch wel waar...

Man walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder, holding a bucket of shit in one hand and a shotgun in the other...
He summons the bartender over and orders a large beer,downs it in one big gulp.
He then cocks the shotgun,shoots the bucket ,splashing shit all over the bar,after which he chases the cat out of the bar,leaving the bartender and the other guests totally baffled...

About a week later the same guy walks into the bar with the cat on his shoulder,a bucket of shit in one hand and a shotgun in the other;He calls the bartender over and orders a large beer.
The bartender replies:
-" Oh no,no that again !Last time you started like that ,you covered my entire bar in shit,everybody was scared stiff and that stuff with the cat an' all,no way you're getting that beer!"
Man-" but bartender,how am I going to complete my training then?"
Bartender-"What the .....What training are you talking about?What are you in training for?"
Man-" To become an airline pilot!"
Bartender- "How does that stuff you pulled last week train you to become an airline pilot?"

"Easy,I do al little drinking,I shoot a little shit,I chase a little pussy and then I take five days off....."
 
Was that a landing or where we shot down?

Flying is not dangerous, crashing is..

Try to keep your number of take-offs equal to your number of landings.

Everybody knows that a good landing is a landing from which you can walk away from. But a tremendous landing is a landing after which you can use the airplane again.



:grijns:
 
Politiek incorrect maar het zijn wel one liners:

WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMAN

-You can predict an airplane
-If you respect an airplane, it will be good to you
-Airplane skin doesn't wrinkle as badly
-An Airplane won't criticize your performance
-An Airplane doesn't care where you were last night
-Airplanes don't know what money is
-Airplanes don't get pregnant
-Airplanes don't take forever to warm up
-Airplanes don't spend hours in front of the mirror
-Airplanes like to do it inverted
-An Airplane doesn't insist that you shower before entering it
-Airplanes don't talk back
-Airplanes don't get headaches
-Airplanes don't take half of everything
-You can go down in an Airplane....Women just bring you down
-An Airplane is cheaper to maintain
-You don't get diseases from an Airplane
-Airplanes have better struts
-Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch
-You can approach an Airplane from the rear
-An Airplane won't smack you for being a "bush pilot"
-You don't always have to be on top to ride an Airplane
-An Airplane doesn't ask you to put on a raincoat before entry
-You can easily leave an Airplane before sunrise
-Airplane exhaust fumes smell better
-Airplanes lose weight faster
-An Airplane doesn't get mad when you "touch and go"
-An Airplane's performance is seldom hindered by weather
-An Airplane will not get mad when you ride somebody else's Airplane
-An Airplane's cockpit is cleaner
-You can calculate an Airplane's peak performance
-An Airplane is easier to roll over
-You can still activate a fifty year old Airplane
-Airplanes don't lose their lubrication.
-Airplanes don't droop after many years.
-Airplanes are easy to love.
-You don't have to sweet talk an Airplane.
-An Airplane moves when you tell it to.
-Airplanes give a better ride for the money.
-A wide body Airplane is more attractive than a wide body woman is.
-An Airplane will kill you quick, a woman takes her time.
-An Airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
-An Airplane doesn't make you "pull-out" to eject.
-You can change the looks of an airplane.
-Airplanes come with manuals.
-Airplanes can handle thrust better.
-Airplanes don't scream.
-A 747 can keep you up for 14 hours.
-You can adjust an Airplane's attitude.
-Women have more drag than lift.
-Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
-Airplanes have tray tables and ashtrays.
 
Voor alle vrachthonden

Voor alle vrachthonden

"You Just Might Be Freight Trash if.."


1. Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
2. You have not done a daylight takeoff or landing during the past six months.
3. ATC advises you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't care.
4. When you taxi to an FBO they roll Out the red carpet, but quickly take it back inside when
they recognize you.
5. You have lost more than 45% of your hearing because your aircraft soundproofing has been
removed to safe weight.
6. Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
7. Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
8. Your company callsign is "Pork Rib".
9. The lady at the FBO locks-up the popcorn machine' when you taxi in, because you plan on
"making a meal of it".
10. You are always the last one cleared for takeoff, no matter how soon you call the tower or
arrive at the runway.
11. Your airplane has more than eight faded company logos on it.
12. You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
13. Airlines hold and wait for you to "test the squall line" first.
14. Your airplane has belonged to more than sixteen different companies.
15. Center mispronounces your cal lsign more than three times in one flight.
16. Your director of operations mysteriously changes your maximum takeoff weight during the holiday season
17. You have the same eating habits as a vampire
18. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
19. You show up to work and a G-IV pilot asks you to fuel his airplane and carry his bags.
20. It would take more than 23 different colors to copy your company’s paint scheme.
21. You refuse to take vectors around weather.
22. Mothers tell their children to stay away from you in terminals because they think you life
there
23. ATC continously makes you land on the runway that will require the longest taxi time.
24. You call the hotel van for a pickup and they don’t understand where you are on the airport.
25. You never had a passenger complain.
 
Ook wel leuk

Ook wel leuk

45 Fun Things To Do In A Cockpit.

The wonderfull priviliges of jumpseating, who isn't familiar? Flying in the smallest seats for free to any destination. You can visit relatives when on breaks, go fishing in wonderfull areas, visit a flight attendent you ran into on your last flight.
But what when your company tells you to jumpseat? Go pick up an airplane there, you are our only healthy pilot to fly that thing . Yes we know it is on the other side of this conti-nent but we can't afford you a ticket.
It are times like these you are dreading long waiting times, dumb excuses, captains who think they are funny, nothing to eat but peanuts and flights that don't connect.
So here are some sollutions to make the flight a little more exciting or, when you're lucky your company may even lose their jumpseat privileges.Good luck and lot's of fun.

1. Make race car noises while you are taxiing
2. Blow your nose and show everybody the contents of your Kleenex.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and yell: "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a small world afterall" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies
6. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch! Bad touch!"
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your flightcase and, while peering inside ask;" Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to every flight crew member. wear yours upside down.
10. Stare emotionless at the circuit breaker panel and not say anything.
11. When parked at the gate pull and yank at the door and act embarrassed when it opens to the outside.
12. Lean over to the FO and whisper; "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone on the fiightdeck and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: "Flatulence"!
15. At FL 350 tell them you're getting dizzy and ask if they can open a window.
16. While buckled up, do Thai Chi exercises.
17. Stare and grin at the flight attendants for awhile and then say: "I've got new socks on."
18. While taxiing moan "Oh no, not now, damn motion sickness"
19. Give religious tracts to each crewmember.
20. Meow occasionaly.
21. Bet the captain you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter: "gotta go ,gotta go!", then sigh and say "oops".
23. Show passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while pushing buttons on the overhead panel.
25. Holler: "Touchdown" when landing.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Body Parts" on the side.
27. Stare at the FE and say: "You're one of them".
28. Burp and say: "mmm tasty!"
29. Stare at your thumb and say: "I think it's getting larger."
30. Ask the crew if you can push some buttons for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to other people "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the cockpit is silent ask: "Is that the TCAS going off?".
34. Practice your harmonica.
35. Shadow box in the jet way.
36. Say: "Ding" when reaching each assigned flight level.
37. Wear X ray specs and leer suggestive at the flight attendants.
38. Say: " I wonder what this will do" and pull the cabin oxygen emergency switch.
39. Listen to the walls with a stehoscope.
40. Make explosion sounds when somebody pushes a button.
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Chew on a bunch of peanuts and ask: " Wanna see wha in my mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings
45. Announce with a demonic voice and rolling eyes: "I must find a more suitable host body".
 
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