Het Grote Moppen Topic

NazgulAir

NazgulAir

New member
Adolescente vulgariteiten zijn nog geen goede mop.

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stratofreighter

Member
Gisteren liep ik langs het gemeentehuis in Sittard – Geleen,
waar de Nederlandse driekleur vrolijk wapperde.

Er stond een Amerikaanse toerist in alle ernst naar die vlag te staren.

Hij vroeg me wat nu de betekenis is van de kleuren rood, wit en blauw.

Ik zei tegen hem: "Dat heeft alles te maken met de belastingen in Nederland."

"Als we de belastingaangifte in de bus krijgen, worden wij rood van woede."

"Als we het te betalen bedrag lezen, trekken we wit weg."

"Om vervolgens ons blauw te betalen !"

De Amerikaan knikte begripvol en antwoordde:

"Bij ons is dat precies hetzelfde, alleen zien wij er nog sterretjes bij."
 
S

stratofreighter

Member
...Amerika...

22 years old: Graduated from college. Go to military flight school. Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.

25 years old: Have 1st kid. Now hotshot fighter jock getting shot at in war.
Just want to get back to USA in one piece.
Get back to USA as primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored. Volunteer for war again.

29 years old: Get back from war all tuckered out. Wants out of military.

30 years old: Join airline. World is your oyster.

31 years old: Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the
military poverty feeling.

32 years old: Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and maintenance. Drink lots of booze and screw around while looking for 2nd wife.

33 years old: Furloughed. Join military reserve unit and fly for fun. Repeat above for a few more years.

35 years old: Airline recall. More screwing around but looking forward to a good marriage and settling down.

36 years old: Marry young spunky 25 year old flight attendant.

37 years old: Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.

38 years old: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father again.
Wife concerned about "risky" military Reserve flying so you resign commission.

39 years old: Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small single engine airplane and even flashier cars.

42 years old: 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker but still wants to share house (100%).

43 years old: Settle with wife # 2 and resolve to stay away from women forever. Seek a position as a check Captain for 10% pay override to pay mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment with window air conditioners.

44 years old: Company resizes and you're returned to copilot status. 25% pay cut. Become simulator instructor for 10 % override pay.

49 years old: Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment with central air conditioning.

50 years old: Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She loves You and says you are very "beeeeg!"

51 years old: Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house, boat, twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.

52 years old: Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get vasectomy.

54 years old: Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she's pregnant.
She says she got sick after taking the pill. Accident, sorry, won't happen again.

55 years old: Father of triplets.

56 years old: Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy cars, "worried" about your private flying and wants you to sell twin engine airplane.
You give in. You buy a motorcycle and join motorcycle club.

57 years old: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for retirement.

59 years old: Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the IRS.
You have to fly 100% International night trips just to keep up with child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.

60 years old: Wife #3 (sexy model) says you're too damned old and no fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets.
You're forced to retire due to Age 60 rule. No money left.

61 years old: Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727 freight outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment directly underneath the final appro ach to runway 9 at Miami Int'l.
You have "interesting" Hispanic neighbors who ask you if you've ever flown DC-3's.

65 years old: Lose FAA medical and get job as sim instructor.
Don't look forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every god-forsaken town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find cheap, off-hours sim time at various Brand X Airlines.

70 years old: Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crewmember goes Off at 1:00 AM.
Have heart attack and die with smile on face. Happy at last!

there is no better life then being a pilot
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capt. Kebab

capt. Kebab

New member
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador in the middle seat between them. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said: 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'Search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman:

'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
 
S

stratofreighter

Member
A crusty old aviator found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the pilot for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"


"No," the pilot said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The aviator's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The pilot just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The aviator continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

Then, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
 
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stratofreighter

Member
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says,

"My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
 
S

stratofreighter

Member
Air traffic control tower lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communication, was on a cellular phone and yelling “Mayday!Mayday! Mayday!”"
“The pilot just had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket because he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph.....Mayday, Mayday!!”



The tower, immediately, put him on speaker phone and the Controller spoke,

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions.

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm"!



The Controller asked,

"How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet"?

Aircraft:

"I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me".

Controller, "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re travelling at 180 mph"?

Aircraft:

"I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me".

Controller:

"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down"?

Aircraft:

"The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".
 
S

stratofreighter

Member
http://mashable.com/2016/09/20/cow-vs-helicopter/#rJyl7rrbP5qA

It happened south of Coen, right near the north eastern tip of Australia.

Presumably trying to get their daily muster under wraps, the pilot got a little too close to his livestock and
ended up with one of the chopper's feet caught on the horns of a cow.

The cow that caused the kerfuffle is said to be totally unharmed and presumably quite smug.

The helicopter pilot is fine too — he was able to simply walk away from the crash before to went up in flames.
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http://i.imgur.com/IF8GrHT.gif
IF8GrHT.gif
 
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S

stratofreighter

Member
Turkish Airlines' high tech de-icing method.
https://twitter.com/U_G_U_R_P/status/818794037486424065

Screengrab van de twitter-video hierboven...

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First there was AQP,

And now, there's S.H.I.T.

The COMPANY is pleased to announce the following:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from our pilots,

it will be our policy to keep all crews well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our crews more S.H.I.T. than any other airline.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. at work, please see your Chief Pilot.

You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our trainers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Pilots who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our trainers all took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in applying for BSC and passing on your knowledge to others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For pilots who are interested in pursuing a career in management,
we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TASK SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
c/o your Base Captain.
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